[No] Distractions

2024-09-23

A little while ago, I left my day job.
Since then, I travelled and made progress on some personal projects (like the Farsi course).

Now, some days are soft and calm and fluid.
I don't feel the need to do anything that is presumably "productive", and I don't do things that I know are destructive. (like watching too much youtube)
Some days are harder to go through.
I am constantly grappling with self criticism.
Why am I not spending my time better?
Why am I not learning something new?
Why am I not creating art?
Why am I not [insert something that is impressive and positive]?

People around me, and a part of myself, keep telling me, or warning me, this is a great time to go out and travel to unusual places, far places, impressive places.
You might not get this chance again.
It's a sad thought, but who knows - they might be right.

In fact, they are right.
This might be the only time that I have nothing major to obssess about.
Everything is sort of okay.
Everyone I care about is sort of okay.
No major responsibilities to take care of.
And so, this life, with days that are sometimes soft and sometimes harsh, is how I "am" when nothing is disctracting me.
This is my baseline.
If there are demons haunting me from corners of my psyche, they have been there forever, and they will be there until someone (me) pays attention to them.
This is probably why people tend to travel when they leave their day jobs.
Traveling demands a lot.
There's planning, before and during.
There's time spent on the road to get to places.
There's time to take out from daily life to dedicate to travel.
There's expenses to pay.
There is not much space for other demands.
You're delightfully distracted from the rest.
I like traveling. Of course I do.
Sometimes though, like these days, it feels like a betrayal to myself.
Sometimes watching my life, bare and distraction free, feels like a more loyal way forward.